Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity
by Little Dragon-kun
Summary: North and South convince all of the Freelancers to play 'the world's most offensive game', with hilarious results! Warning: Typical CAH themes and Roosterteeth language.
1. Blaming Japan

_**A/N: Hey guys, this is my newest Red vs. Blue fic, featuring the lovely men and women of Project Freelancer as they get their hands on Cards Against Humanity! Also, I decided to ignore my doctor's orders lol. Warning: General Rooster Teeth language and some just awful themes.**_

***Deck 1***

Wash and York were watching the Grifball game when North and South came in, each with a small box in their hands. North put his package down. "Get everyone in here, quick!"

York rubbed his eyes in boredom. "Why? What could possibly demand the attention of all of us at once?"

North tossed him the box, and York studied it. "Cards Against Humanity? What the fuck is this?"

South leaned closer to him. "It's a card game where you try to make the funniest or most offensive sentence possible. There will be a black card that says a sentence or phrase with a blank, and the players must fill in the blank with a white card. Whoever has the funniest sentence wins the round. The score can go up to fifty, I think."

York sighed, and he left the room to get the other Freelancers. Soon, he returned with CT, Wyoming, Tex, Carolina, Maine, and Florida. "Here they are."

South quickly explained the rules again, and surprisingly everyone wanted to play. She began to pass out white cards to everyone. "Okay, we are about to begin."

"Why the fuck did I not get any!?" Wash complained. South glared at him, sending slight shivers up his back. "Because you are the judge this round, dipshit."

She shook her head and the black card was read aloud. "**(Blank). Goddammit Japan.**" They quickly tried to fill in the phrase, and Tex went first. "A Japanese schoolgirl covered head to toe in semen. Goddammit Japan." This was deemed hilarious by Wash and CT, the latter who put down her own card. "Tentacle Porn. Goddammit Japan."

Maine and Florida snickered, but the surprise was Carolina. "Not bad. But I've got a good one." She put her card down. "A big-breasted fourteen year old wearing a mini-skirt and sucking on a lollipop. Goddammit Japan."

Wash and York began chuckling, until Maine put his card down. No one was able to understand his growls that well, so they all peered over the table to read his card. "A giant purple dildo. Goddammit Japan." Everyone looked at each other before they began laughing, even Carolina and Tex. "That's fucking hilarious!"

Maine shrugged, a smug expression on his face. Wyoming let out a sigh and placed his down. "Best I've got, chaps. Godzilla fucking Mothra. Goddammit Japan." Carolina and CT struggled to keep a straight face, for they remembered watching those old Earth movies with Wyoming and Tex.

Florida ran a hand over his head, looking a bit dejected as he put his card down. "A micropenis. Goddammit Japan." North and York both spat out some coffee. "That's fucking racist!" Florida glared at the younger Freelancers. "Yeah, well so is the rest of this bullshit." The older man did have a point, as many of these cards did seem incredibly offensive in every single sense.

CT let out a sigh. "Guys, it IS called Cards Against Humanity for a reason. I doubt this is supposed to be tasteful." York shrugged in resignation. "Good point. I believe it is now my turn." He put down a card, and Wyoming face-palmed as he read it aloud. "Vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties. Goddammit Japan." The British Freelancer sighed as he looked at it again. "You know, the sad thing is that one is actually true. You can blame Japan for that."

North looked through his deck, groaning in frustration. "Man, this one's gonna fucking suck ass." He slammed a card down, and he tried to hide his face as York peered over the table to read it. "The baby boomers. Goddammit Japan." He glared at North. "That's something you blame Germany for, dumbass."

"Man, fuck you."

"No thank you sir. I do not swing that way at all." Wyoming and Maine started snickering, while South cleared her throat. "Can I fucking go? Thank you." She placed her own down, the final card for this round to be played. She seemed rather confident too. "Hentai princesses. Goddammit Japan."

Carolina gave her an exasperated look. "While I will agree that is something we can blame Japan for, we don't all need to know about your secret little fetishes." South began to blush, her mouth opening and closing wordlessly.

Wash stood up, his face hidden behind his hands. "Okay, I will now announce the winner of this round. It is….Agent Carolina." Everyone except the redhead began to groan and boo Wash's decision. "You only chose her because she can whoop your ass!"

Wyoming stroked his mustache. "That seems to be a good enough reason to me, though. Shall we continue?"

This would the game that really made the agents lose brain cells.

_**A/N: Very short, but I'm hitting a wall here. Leave me any suggestions that you may have, and I'll give you the honorable mention. See you!**_


	2. Profits

_**A/N: Heh, I have another chapter for Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity! This chapter goes to AuroraBlix, who gave me the brilliant suggestion for the next card! Hope you like it**_

***Profits***

Wash flipped over the next black card, and South took over. "I'll be the judge for this round." She cleared her throat and read it aloud. "**Step 1: (Blank); Step 2: (Blank); Instant Profit**."

Everyone playing took two cards out, and Wash went first since he was the judge last round. "Step 1: Gavin's Dick; Step 2: Michael Jones; Instant Profit." CT and Florida began howling with laughter, for nothing made the two crack up more than some good old fashioned yaoi. "Oh man, we might have a winner already."

Wash bowed gracefully. "Thank you; thank you."

Carolina glared at Wash, signaling for him to shut up before she put down two herself. "Step 1; Linkara sexily eating a banana; Step 2: A FUCKING DRAGONITE MOTHERFUCKERS; Instant Profit."

This one left the majority of the agents confused, especially Wyoming and Tex. "What the hell is a Dragonite?"

"And who the fuck is Linkara?"

Carolina's eyes were narrowed in slight annoyance, but she gave up. "Like you have anything better."

Tex smirked evilly. "Oh, but I do." She put her cards down. "Step 1: Getting the tip of your penis bit by a snapping turtle; Step 2: A lamprey leaping up from the toilet and latching on to your taint; Instant Profit." This made all of the male Freelancers cringe and hold their crotches, although York put it into words best. "Yeah, the profit for a fucking horror movie."

"That was the most disturbing thing ever…of all time."

"Shut the fuck up Wash."

"Okay Tex."

Wyoming placed his cards down catching everyone's attention as he read them aloud. "Step 1; Fairy Tail hentai; Step 2; A giant bucket of semen; Instant Profit." Maine looked up Fairy Tail on his laptop, and he showed everyone what it was. South face-palmed. "It's an anime?" Maine nodded.

"And there is ton of lesbian sex material to use?"

Another nod. South groaned. "Goddammit Japan. Only they would make something like this into hentai."

"That was last round, South."

"Fuck you Wash."

"Really? What time?"

South growled and made to punch him in the face (or dick, depending) until Maine cut them off with a sharp hiss, placing his cards down. York read them aloud for the massive Freelancer. "Step 1: A vagina; Step 2: A penis; Instant Profit." Many of the agents laughed as they realized just how true that statement was. "Damn Maine, you seem to be getting the ones that are true."

The silent Freelancer shrugged, looking smug. Until York read his own ones. "Step 1: Jaune Arc; Step 2: Cardin Winchester; Instant Profit." **(A/N: Special for AuroraBlix!)**

Carolina stroked her chin. "I see where someone could make money off of that. I mean, there is tons of yaoi material to use."

"Yes, we all know what you masturbate to at night," Tex retorted. Carolina was beyond furious, but she couldn't think of anything to say, even as Florida placed his down. "Step 1; Rooster Teeth; Step 2; Monty Oum; Instant Profit."

Wyoming shared a glance with North, who had yet to go. "Who the hell is Monty Oum?"

"And what is Rooster Teeth?"

Florida groaned inwardly, annoyed. "Would someone just fucking go?"

CT sighed. "Sorry guys. I didn't have much to work with. Step 1: Sheila the Tank; Step 2: Furry porn: Instant Profit. Told you it was rubbish."

"It's worse than that, love."

"Shut up Wyoming."

The British Freelancer smirked. "Do you want me to tell a knock-knock joke then?" CT groaned, wishing she had never dug the grave she had just fallen in. "Please don't…"

"Knock-knock."

"WYOMING!"

"Knock-knock."

At this point Tex had duct-taped Wyoming's mouth shut to prevent him from going on. "There. All done now."

North, who was the last one to go for the second round, placed down the last two cards. "Step 1: Gordon Ramsey; Step 2: Shitty Vietnamese food: Instant Profit."

Even through the duct tape, Wyoming still managed to muffle a laugh as the image of the angry British Chef eating Vietnamese food and then raging about the quality was too good to pass up. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!"

South cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "The winner of round 2 is….Agent Maine for the truth of his own."

"Grrr."

"Um, Maine? Was that a thank you or a death threat?"

"Grr."

"Oh, okay."

The Freelancers were hooked, but this was only round 2. There were many more shenanigans ahead, including reasons why Mommy is crying, and what Santa gives the bad children on Christmas instead of coal.

_**A/N: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. I do have some very awful ideas, as I do happen to have a set of CAH. Again, leave any suggestions and have fun reading!**_

_**Ja'ne**_


	3. The REAL Reason Why Mommy is Crying

_**A/N: Hello, and welcome to another chapter of Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity! This one includes reasons why Mommy is crying, and be warned from some awful themes as usual.**_

***The REAL Reason Why Mommy is Crying***

South handed the deck of black cards to North, who let out a sigh and flipped over the next card to start round 3. When he began to read it, he face-palmed. "Oh for fuck's sake, you have got to be kidding me."

"Why? What is it?" York asked, leaning over the table. Unfortunately, this made Tex and Carolina glare at him intensely. "York, if you want your baby makers to be functioning, I recommend sitting the fuck down."

The tan Freelancer took Tex's threat seriously and sat down, taking the black card from North so he could read it aloud. "**Daddy, why is Mommy crying? **Wow, we could have a lot of material for this one. Why are you bitching about it, North?"

The purple Freelancer rubbed his temples in slight frustration. "Because Florida is going to give another shitty one. Again." The blue Freelancer stood up in protest, but glares from Tex and South made him sit back down, muttering something that sounded a lot like "Asshole."

York made to place his white card down, but Tex cleared her throat. "Ahem. York, it's ladies first, you know. South, will you go?"

The lavender Freelancer nodded and placed her card down with an amused smile. "Mommy is crying from the Chinese gymnastics team." York and Florida both spat out some coffee. "That's racist as fuck!"

Wyoming rolled his eyes and held up the box. "Guys, it's called the world's most offensive game for a reason, so stop bitching about it and just play." Carolina nodded and placed her card down. "Mommy is crying from getting your penis caught in a mousetrap." For probably the umpteenth time, the male Freelancers cringed and held their crotches protectively. "Please don't…"

Maine set his card down with a small hiss of annoyance, prompting York to read it out loud. "Mommy is crying from sex on ice skates." Wyoming smirked as he nudged CT. "That sounds very fun. CT, you wanna try that?"

CT glared at him, her fist clenched. "I will rip your spine out and use it as a coathanger." She slammed her hand down, making many of the Freelancers jump. "Mommy is crying from erectile dysfunction." **(A/N: AuroraBlix!) **

Florida and Maine let out amused grumbles, with Wyoming still trying to play off the fact that CT had probably just beaten him. "Not bad CT. Not bad at all."

Florida groaned and threw a card out, feeling slightly annoyed. "Mommy is crying from that annoying teeny bopper Doctor Who fan who's butthurt that the new Doctor isn't in his twenties." Wyoming and South laughed, for they had watched that show many times with everyone. "Oh man, that is so true…"

North slapped the older Freelancer on the back. "For once, that one wasn't shitty. Good job mate."

Wyoming placed his card down, leaning back. "Mommy is crying from getting sodomized by a toilet plunger dildo." York and Maine winced. "Ouch…that has got to hurt Wy." The massive Freelancer let out a small growl. "Grr."

"Maine, was that you saying 'I know' or 'You're an asshole'?"

"Grr."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I agree with you. I hope that isn't a real thing either."

Wyoming held up a picture of one on his datapad, a sad smile on his face. "Sorry chaps, but it really is. They need a real job."

Wash was next, and his card sucked again. "Mommy is crying from my humps." CT and Florida exchanged glances, confused as fuck. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I know, it doesn't even make sense!"

CT glared at Wash, who was stunned by the horrible reactions. "Wash, you suck harder than Kim Kardashian. And that is saying something." Wyoming and York laughed at the insult. "Ooooh, burn!"

Wash put his head down in defeat. "I fucking give up at this…" Tex slapped him as she threw a card down on the table. "Don't. my card might suck more than yours for this round. Mommy is crying from a Weeping Angel giving the finger."

Wyoming shook his head in slight amusement. "Nah, yours was better Tex. Wash's was worse." Tex sighed as she looked up at the ceiling. "I can see it now…a Weeping Angel is giving North the finger as I pin South under the mistletoe…"

"TEX!"

"What's wrong with that? what did you think we were doing in the shower last week?"

"I regret asking," North groaned, letting his head fall on the table. He sat up to announce the winner. "The winner of this round is CT. Sorry, but that one was deemed the best."

So, Mommy is crying from erectile dysfunction. Well, that explains last night in a nutshell…

_**A/N: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Next up is how they lost their virginity! Any suggestions are welcome!**_

_**Ja'ne!**_


	4. How We Lost Our Virginity

_**A/N: Sorry guys! Been having to catch up with some other fics of mine, and this kinda got pushed to the side. But don't worry. This is where the Freelancers find out how they all lost their virginity. Warning: CAH themes inside**_

***How We Lost Our Virginity***

Maine placed his large hand on top of the black pile, hissing. York raised an eyebrow in surprise. "You want to be the judge? Really?" Maine nodded, letting out a grumble. York put his arms in the air, letting him take the role. "Okay then."

Maine flipped over the next black card in the pile, and he growled in slight exasperation. York snickered as he read it for the rest of the Freelancers. "**How did I lose my virginity?** Aw man, we are really going to have fun with this."

York threw his down, his hands behind his head as he confidently tilted his chair onto its back legs. "I lost my virginity to a fence pole." Wyoming and Texas winced. "I would not like to have that shoved up my ass, thank you very much."

The British man stroked his mustache before throwing his card onto the table. "I lost my virginity to a Japanese tentacle porn star." CT rolled her eyes as she smacked him on the back of his head. "The sad thing is, that's probably true."

Wyoming shrugged, an amused smile on his face. "This is quite amusing. A winner won't come easy."

_Meanwhile in another time…_

"BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!"

"TUCKER! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

_Back to the Freelancers_

Tex smirked as her card landed on the pile. "I lost my virginity to bees." Wyoming gave her a strange look. "What did you do to the bees?" Tex shrugged her shoulders, an innocent smile on her face. "Not giving you that information."

"I lost my virginity to Trainer Green Okido," Carolina declared as she placed her card down. CT and Tex began to water at the mouth. "He is the only really sexy male character from Pokémon…"

"If only he was real…"

Having enough of the swooning girls, Florida placed down his card. "I lost my virginity to the profoundly handicapped." All of the Freelancers either gasped or laughed their asses off. "Oh fuck! Florida! That's so wrong, but it's funny as hell!"

Florida put his hands in the air, smiling. "Thank you, thank you. You're all so wonderful. Not really." Wyoming let out an amused snicker as Tex and Carolina gave him death glares. "You might want to take that back, chap. They look quite cross with you."

Florida scoffed and ignored the glares. "Nah. Your knock-knock jokes are a better defense." The British man perked up, surprised and happy. "Really? Knock-knock."

Florida and York rolled their eyes. "We were joking. Now shut up."

"Shut up who? Shall I go on?"

Tex rubbed her temples in frustration as York raised his hand in a threat to hit the British man. "We were fucking kidding! Now shut up!"

Before Wyoming could go any farther with his terrible scheme of driving everyone completely fucking insane, North groaned in annoyance and slammed his hand down. "Dammit. It's probably worse than Wash's, but here it is. I lost my virginity to Gavin Free." Carolina rubbed her head, Tex didn't speak (neither did Wyoming, Florida, CT, York, and Maine), South let her head crash onto the table, and Wash was the only one who spoke. "That was the worst one ever…of all time."

"Fuck you Wash."

Wash smirked as he went. "No thank you, sir. I'm afraid…mine is actually worse. I lost my virginity to the Stig." Wyoming's jaw dropped, incredulous. "Wait, as in THE Stig? The one from Top Gear UK?"

Wash gave him an exasperated look. "Is there another fucking Stig out there in the universe? Yes, as in the one from Top Gear UK. It's the only watchable British show on." South shared a confused glance with York. "Who's the Stig?" York put his hands up, covering his face. "Ask Wyoming."

South looked over at the British man, and she gulped at the smirk he had. "Oh, you'll find out who the Stig is pretty fast…"

_Ten minutes later_

"HOW THE FUCK CAN HE HACK INTO HIS OWN HELMET!? AND WHY DOES HE KEEP A PICTURE OF HIS FUCKING WALLET IN HIS WALLET!? FUCK!?" South screamed, her face incredibly red.

As she continued to yell at the top of her lungs, Maine hissed and pointed at Florida. The older man was a bit surprised. "Really? I won?" Maine growled, and Florida fist pumped. "Fuck yes! Finally!"

_**A/N: Next up, the Freelancers find out what the school trip was ruined by. XD. Leave suggestions below!**_


	5. Ruining The School Trip

_**A/N: I know, I know. This has taken a bit long, and I should be a bit more consistent with this. Still, if I can provide some laughs for this, I feel I've done my job. Again, don't own anything!**_

***Ruining the School Trip***

York rubbed his good eye, having played now four rounds of Cards Against Humanity. "Okay, we need to decide who's gonna be the judge next round. Otherwise, we'll be fighting amongst each other, and that's not good for us."

"Should we draw straws?" Wash suggested. Tex shook her head. "Um, no. That will take too long, and I don't feel like dealing with the inevitable fight that'll ensue." The black and gold Freelancer couldn't find much to argue with. "True."

Carolina rolled her eyes and took the deck from Maine, the silent Freelancer hissing. "Yes, I'll do it Maine. It's the only way these idiots will shut up about it. Florida, you're next; then Wyoming; then CT; and then Tex."

"What about York!?" Wyoming exclaimed, pointing at a smug tan Freelancer, his arms folded across his chest. "You forgot him! Your boy-"

CT clamped a hand over the British man's mouth before he said something he would regret. "Don't listen to him. York, you go after me, okay?" York nodded, seemingly amused by Wyoming's lack of air. "Okay. Though, you might want to let Wy breathe a bit. He's looking a little blue."

CT removed her hand, and Wyoming started to wheeze. "And red. One could say it was red vs. blue."

"No, it's blue vs. red. No one says it the other way around."

"…just shut the fuck up Wash."

Carolina flipped a black card over, a hand over her face. "**The school trip was completely ruined by (Blank). **Okay people, give me your best. I'm the judge this round, and no York, you don't automatically win. You have to actually try."

York cursed under his breath. "Fuck." As he looked through his deck, North put down a card, snickering. "The school trip was completely ruined by incest."

South was horrified by her twin brother's card, while Tex seemed amused. "Don't worry South. I'll make sure you don't fall into that hole.

_In another time…_

"Oooooh, bow chicka bow wow!"

"Goddammit Tucker! Enough of your stupid sex jokes!"

_Back to the Freelancers_

South, still disturbed, put her own down, mouthing _"Help me!" _to Tex. "The school trip was completely ruined by sexual tension."

Wyoming snickered, exchanging a glance with CT and Maine. "Seems legit." Tex elbowed South, a dark glimmer in her eyes. "It wouldn't happen to be from us, would it~?"

"GODDAMMIT! TEX!"

"Kidding North, only kidding."

North rolled his eyes, about to retort when Wyoming went, stroking his chin. "Hmmm, this chap has a mysterious name, doesn't he? The school trip was completely ruined by Lavernius Tucker."

CT and the others looked at him in confusion. "Who! The fuck! Is that guy!?" Wyoming shrugged, running a finger through his Mario mustache. "Dunno. I hope he likes knock-knock jokes."

_Back into that different time…_

Tucker sneezed, startling Church. "Achoo!" The powder blue soldier looked at his teammate in surprise. "Dude, do you have a cold or something?"

Tucker shook his head, wiping his nose. "No…I think someone's talking about me."

Church scoffed and waved his hand in dismissal. "Please, that's just a Japanese supersti-" He suddenly sneezed. "Okay, maybe not."

"I told you…"

"Shut up."

_And back to the Freelancers_

"The school trip was completely ruined by Epsilon Church," CT stated, putting her card down. Wyoming gave her a slightly exasperated look. "And you say mine was bad? CT, I think I need to-"

CT placed her hand over his mouth. "Don't. Even. Think about it."

York and Wash exchanged amused looks. "Maybe he should try one of his knock-knock jokes instead." Wyoming, who had licked CT's hand to release her grip, smirked. "Ah, who's there?"

York sighed, wishing he didn't set this up. "Nobody, stop." Wyoming smirked again, stroking his mustache. "Nobody stop who? Shall I go on?"

York sarcastically laughed. "Ha, yeah, I was kidding! Now shut up." Wyoming, not knowing when to stop his horrible stunt, pressed on. "Shut up who?"

He was finally silenced by Carolina's death glare, her green eyes burning holes into him. "Shut up, now."

York put his down, hoping Carolina would end the round and declare him the winner. "The school trip was completely ruined by shitty knock-knock jokes." All of the Freelancers (except Wyoming) laughed at his card. "That is so true! Carolina, you better choose that one!"

The light blue Freelancer motioned to Tex, one of the four who still had yet to go. "Your turn. Give me your best shot." Tex sucked her teeth, throwing out a card. "This one sort of sucks, but whatever. The school trip was completely ruined by teamkilling fucktards."

_Back to Blood Gulch_

"Achoo!"

"Dammit! Even you Caboose!? What the hell is going on here!? I bet the Reds don't have to deal with this bullshit!"

_To the Freelancers_

After getting a few good laughs out of Tex's, Maine went next, growling for York to read it. "The school trip was completely ruined by…my collection of high-tech sex toys?" Maine nodded, shrugging.

Florida chuckled and slapped the massive Freelancer on the back. "That's pretty good, Maine. I think it's between you and York for first place."

Wash waggled a finger, a smirk on his face. "Not yet, Florida. I'm still in this." The older Freelancer let his head crash on the table. "Yeah, but yours is probably so shitty, no one will even consider it, Private Negative First Class."

Tex winced, whistling. "Oooooh! You just got BURNNNNED!" Wash was too ashamed to say anything in self-defense as he put a card down. "The school trip was completely ruined by kids with ass cancer."

Wyoming spat out some tea, shocked. "Oh come on! That's beyond fucked up!" Wash shrugged smugly. "You're right. It's perfect."

Florida shook his head. "No, it still sucks because you said it. Now, here's mine. The school trip was completely ruined by Freckles." His response was met by several boos and Carolina cleared her throat. "I'm ready to announce the winner of this round."

Everyone leaned in as she gave her verdict. "The winner is…Agent York. Sorry, but his is beyond true."

South and Wash grumbled in annoyance, but Florida silenced them. "Fair enough. Shall we continue?"

"Yes, please."

_**A/N: XD. Next up, with Florida judging, we will have a Christmas edition (even though it is late as fuck…) and find out what Santa gives the bad children instead of coal. Until next time!**_

_**Ja'ne!**_


	6. Naughty Children's Worst Dream

_**A/N: I'm back with another hilarious installment of Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity! This time, with Florida as the judge, we'll find out what Santa gives the bad children on Christmas instead of coal.**_

***Naughty Children's Worst Dream***

Now playing their sixth round of the horrible party game for horrible people, it was Florida's turn to be the judge. The blue Freelancer may have been the oldest of them by a large margin, but his decisions were usually taken strongly, for they were sound.

But, his choices for Cards Against Humanity were not so good. That, or he just had bad luck and got passed out some really shitty cards.

But now, his good judgment was being put to the test, for he was the deciding factor in this round.

He flipped over the next black card, his eyebrows rising into his forehead. **"Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children (Blank) on Christmas."** He chuckled and glanced over at York. "Something tells me you guys will have good ones for this."

The tan Freelancer laughed, searching his hand quickly. "I think I should have a good one…just give me a few seconds. Someone else can go while I'm looking."

CT placed hers down first, thankful that York was being a gentleman. "Thank you, York. I shall embrace this opportunity…" She cleared her throat, glaring at a certain British Freelancer whose hand was on her thigh. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children amputees on Christmas."

Florida and Wash closed their eyes, trying incredibly hard (and failing miserably) not to laugh. Everyone, including Maine, got a good laugh out of the brown Freelancer's card. "Damn, that was pretty good."

Wyoming was next, and the British Freelancer seemed confident in his. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children necrophilia on Christmas."

South, who was already horrified by the incest card from last round, hid behind Tex, tightly clutching the black Freelancer. "Hold me…" She began to shake, which wasn't a surprise. Nearly everybody else (apart from Wyoming) found it beyond disturbing; it was a fucking nightmare.

North sighed and let his head thump on the table. So did Wash and Florida.

"Dude…"

"Come on."

"That was the worst card ever…of all time."

North snorted as he flicked through his deck. "For once Wash, I'll agree with you." He set his card down, tilting his chair back. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children the biggest, blackest dick on Christmas."

Wyoming and CT both spat out some tea, the latter wiping her mouth. "What the fuck!? Since when is Santa a pedophile!?"

North gave her an exasperated look. "You don't _really _want me to go there, do you?" Wyoming and CT quickly shut their mouths, while the rest of them were snickering.

South, still shaking and having Tex hold her, placed down her card with a trembling hand. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children Patrick Berglund for Christmas."

Carolina gave the blonde Freelancer a curious look. "How is that supposed to be a punishment? The guy's gorgeous!"

South let out a scoff. "Yeah, but you wouldn't want to have a hot hockey player fucking your girlfriend on Christmas, would you?"

"…good point, but that's not really a punishment."

York let out a sigh, a finger tracing the scar down his eye as he placed down his card. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children a cooler filled with organs on Christmas." South and Tex retched, for that wasn't a pleasant image.

Florida and Wash, however, didn't seem too disturbed by the tan Freelancer's card. "Hey, it could be worse."

"Yeah, it could be like Wyoming's.."

The British Freelancer perked up, starting his horrible scheme AGAIN. "Knock-knock."

York and North let out groans, looking pleadingly at CT and Carolina. "Please, shut him up. A roll of duct tape would be nice. And some handcuffs to make sure he can't move his hands to take it off."

While Carolina found some duct tape and place it over Wyoming's mouth to prevent him from saying any shitty knock-knock jokes, Tex smirked and pulled out a pair of…pink furry handcuffs? "Will these do~?"

North's jaw dropped in surprise. "Where the hell did you get those?" He stopped, looking at a blushing South and an evilly smirking Tex. He let his head crash. "I think I get it…"

He sat up, casting a downcast look at his twin. "I never thought you were into that kinky shit…" South, blushing furiously, began to squirm. "Would someone just fucking go!?"

Maine let out a deep chuckle as he threw his card out, prompting York to peer over and read it. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children dead parents on Christmas."

The Freelancers began to stare at Maine, surprised as to how the hell the silent Freelancer kept getting all of the good cards. "I think we have a winner."

York agreed, glancing at Florida. "Seriously, you should just end this round. No one is gonna come up with a better answer than that." Wash made a small noise of protest, but a look from Florida quieted him down.

The older Freelancer shook his head. "Now, now. I must be fair and allow all participants to place their choice down." Maine grumbled something that could have been an agreement or an insult. Only Wash seemed to be able to translate his growls into English.

The black and gold Freelancer went, his eyebrows twitching. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children…Franklin Delano Donut for Christmas? Who! The fuck! Is that guy!?"

North shook his head in disappointment. "It does not say Franklin Delano Donut…" He read it, and his head crashed onto the table, sighing. "It does…"

Tex looked at Wash. "Why the hell is this…person, named after a famous old American President? Except he must be gay. He's probably someone who would wear pink armor and then try and deny it's pink."

_Cut to Blood Gulch Red Base_

"Achoo!"

"I think someone's talking about you, twinkle toes."

"It's not pink! It's light-ish red!"

_Back to the Freelancers_

With Wyoming finally shut up, Florida looked around at the other Freelancers. "Who has yet to go?" Tex and Carolina shared a small glare at each other, having not gone during this round. "Us."

Tex went first, but Carolina threw her own out first, having finally beaten the black Freelancer at something. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children Natalie Portman on Christmas."

Wash and York snickered, for they knew exactly how much the redheaded Freelancer hated that actress. "We should have seen that one coming. I forgot how much she hated her."

"And she finally managed the beat Tex at some-" Wash was suddenly on the ground, groaning and holding his head in pain. Tex sat down, annoyed. "Shut the hell up."

She went, and hers was a bit…strange and kind of ironic in a sense. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children a pair of pink furry handcuffs on Chritsmas."

North tried to not let a groan as he saw the evil smirk on Tex's face and his sister's massive blush. Wash meanwhile chuckled, an amused look on his face. "I see what you did there…" He ended on the floor again, holding his head. "Fuck! Stop hitting me!"

Florida, after thinking very, very carefully, finally had a winner. "This round's winner is none only that our dear Maine." The massive Freelancer hissed, and Wash sighed. "Yes, you can act somewhat pleased without looking smug."

"Grr."

"Um, okay?"

_**A/N: Next time, with Wyoming judging, what is a problem that is not one of everyone's 99? Until next time!**_

_**Ja**_


	7. 99 Problems And The One I Don't Have

_**A/N: *sighs* Man, I really do need to think of better things to do than just write and read fanfiction all damn day. But, I have time to write this, as I have 'Agent Reach' on temporary break…only for another week or so. After all, I need to write some badass-ness, right?**_

***99 Problems and the One I Don't Have***

Carolina and Tex loomed over Wyoming before they unhand-cuffed the British Freelancer, their eyes burning holes into his. "Now Wyoming, are you going to tell anymore knock-knock jokes?" Wyoming shook his head, his shoulders slumped and a muffled, "No, Carolina" was heard.

Tex rounded on him, staring him down. "And, will you stop trying to mentally scare the rest of us, you creepy little annoying bastard?"

Another nod, though this time it was more frantic and a tinge of fear was in his voice. "Yes, Tex."

Tex gave Carolina a curt nod. "Remove the tape." Carolina smirked and ripped the tape off, causing a small portion of Wyoming's mustache to come along with it. The British Freelancer let out a pained hiss. "Fuck! That really did hurt! And my beautiful mustache!"

"It wasn't never that good looking, to be honest," CT deadpanned, causing Wyoming to lower his head. "It was…" He earned a comforting pat on the shoulder from Wash, trying not to shiver as Tex glared at him. "Don't worry. I've suffered even more pain from her as of late."

Wyoming sighed, giving Carolina a pleading look. "Before we start though, can I make one more knock-knock joke? One that will have a punchline?" The redheaded Freelancer looked away, seemingly annoyed by him. "CT, control him."

CT let out a sigh of annoyance, crossing her arms. "We've already heard enough, one more won't really hurt, will it?"

Wyoming took that as a sigh to begin, and he started it off by looking at the other Freelancers, swallowing. "K-knock-knock…"

"Who's there?" a chorus rang, seemingly annoyed with his antics.

"Lettuce," Wyoming answered, trying to keep his slight amusement and fear of Carolina's punch down.

"Lettuce who?" everyone asked, and judging by the looks that North, York, and Wash were giving each other, they seemed to already know where the joke was heading. It's not like the British Freelancer was hard to read.

"Lettuce begin," Wyoming stated, and nobody seemed to react badly. Well…save for CT and Tex.

The two Freelancers stood up, ready to punch the British man incredibly hard, either in the face or dick. But, Wyoming was saved from a sharp, irritated hiss from Maine. Even though he was mute, no one dared to fuck with the white Freelancer; you'd have to be absolutely fucking insane.

Flashing a nod of gratitude towards his savior, Wyoming flipped over the next black card in the pile, reading it out loud. **"I have 99 problems, but (Blank) ain't one of them**. I sense some entertaining sentences in our near future."

Wash smirked, holding up one and seemingly confident, for once. "And you have one right here. I have 99 problems, but not giving a shit about the Third World ain't one of them." Many of the others started to laugh, as that card was more than a little fucked up.

Maine let out a deep rumble, which seemed to be in amusement. Wash looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Is that too soon?" Florida shook his head, patting him on the shoulder. "Nope. That is the only good one you've had this entire game."

"Speaking of the game…" North started, throwing out a card to match the black/gold Freelancer's. "I have 99 problems, but losing The Game ain't one of them. Oh, and by the way, I lost The Game."

The Freelancers started to laugh as they heard a passing soldier scream in anger. "FUCK!"

Tex let out a sigh, having run out of the good cards and only stuck with the shitty ones that never win. "I got 99 problems, but beating someone to death with their own skull ain't one of them." North and Wash exchanged a confused glance, for that wasn't something that couldn't happen, as there was something called fucking LOGIC! "That doesn't seem physically possible…"

"That's what I said!" Wash shouted.

Maine cut them off, hissing as he placed his card down on top of the three. York read it, trying to keep a straight face (and failing). "I got 99 problems, but knitting like that crazy Russian grandmother ain't one of them." The idea of the massive white Freelancer even considering knitting was…quite funny.

York wiped his eyes at the amusing mental image, placing his own down. "I got 99 problems, but repeatedly shooting someone in ass with my Shotgun ain't one of them." Wash and North each let out two coughs. "Bullshit, bullshit." They had seen what the tan Freelancer had done to an Elite that got in his way, and it wasn't pretty. The alien, if it survived, could have sued him for sexual assault and rape. Keyword: IF

CT let out a groan as she threw hers out, hanging her head. "I got 99 problems, but shoving a cork up my ass ain't one of them." South cringed, as anal anything was not appealing to her. "Ouch…that would really suck in a whole different way."

"No kidding," North muttered in agreement with his twin.

South then threw hers out, not confident in her choice. "I got 99 problems, but getting dominated by that bitch in black ain't one of them." Wash gave her a look. "But you do. She's right there." He pointed at Tex, but before she could lunge across the table and strangle him, Florida went. "She's not a bitch, though. Now, it's my turn. I have 99 problems, but waking up in the middle of Vegas with a wedding ring on my finger ain't one of them."

York let out a sigh, looking upwards. "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless you get someone pregnant."

"Then they follow you across the damn world looking for child support," Wash muttered, a snicker coming from North.

Carolina, the last one to go this round, placed her card down. "I got 99 problems, but masturbating to hardcore Attack on Titan yaoi ain't one of them."

After no one really commented on that card, Wyoming had made his decision rather quickly, for the winner needed SOME sort of confidence. Which will be negative in a few minutes.

"Wash, my dear old chap, you are the winner."

"Fuck yes!"

"It ain't gonna last too long..."

_**A/N: Next up…any suggestions! I'm gonna have to end this eventually (sadly, I'll admit. This was very fun.), but until then, I'll need help from you, the audience, to react and give suggestions for upcoming chapters. See you!**_


	8. Grandma's Guilty Pleasure

_**A/N: Hello everyone, and welcome to the eighth chapter of Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity. After careful thought (and many hours of playing the damn game online with friends), I have decided that this will likely be one of the final three chapters. To those who are disappointed: I'm sorry. But look for more shenanigans in the future.**_

***Grandma's Guilty Pleasure***

York was handed the deck of black cards, which by now was starting to dwindle quite a bit. 'Guys, we have a problem. We're running out of black cards." The pile was little more than just three remaining cards. Time sure does fly by when you're doing absolutely nothing productive and you and a bunch of your mates are just sitting around playing a really offensive card game.

Maine loomed over the table, and the big man's shoulder slumped as he saw the remaining three. He let out a small grumble of seemingly disappointment; he sure did enjoy this game.

York patted him on the back. "Don't worry big guy. We'll make these remaining three count." He flipped the next black card over, raising an eyebrow. **"What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?** Guys, make this one as good as you fucking can; I need a good laugh."

North slapped a card from his hand down quickly, the sudden movement startling Wash and York. "Grandma would find Sean Connery disturbing yet oddly charming."

This name caught a certain British Freelancer's attention. "Wasn't he James Bond at one point? What was the third movie called? The really good one."

"Goldfinger, I think," Carolina answered, running a hand through her hair. "Speaking of which…Grandma would find Shane Dawson disturbing yet oddly charming." Her green eyes twitched slightly. "Maybe if he stopped making abortion jokes, he'd be a bit sexier."

"But isn't that what he thrives on? Just saying awful shit that he either makes up as he goes along or already has planned?" South pointed out, motioning for Wyoming to go in front of her. And the British man's card was…ironic in a sense. "Grandma would find picking up girls at the abortion clinic disturbing yet oddly charming."

Wash and Florida each exchanged a wince, shaking their heads. "Aw man…that's good, but pretty fucked up."

"You don't say."

The black/gold Freelancer chuckled, throwing out his. "Grandma would find tasteful sideboob disturbing yet oddly charming." Several Freelancers stared at him, with North trying hard to control his laughter. "Grandma, you saucy minx…oh man, Wash has had a couple of decent ones as of late." It seems his confidence was beginning to rise.

But, as Tex went, it got completely shot down. "Grandma would find DEEZ NUTS disturbing yet oddly charming." North slapped his hands, laughing and starting up the sequence. "HA!"

York finished the punchline, the three of them having memorized that Vine video by heart. "GOT EM!" The tan Freelancer tried to ignore an audible groan that they all heard from the hallway, most likely a passing soldier who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Wyoming chuckled, stroking his mustache. "There was an audible groan from back there." Tex looked outside to see who it could have been. "I think it was Burns." The poor guy really hated stupid Vine videos as much as everyone hated Wyoming's knock-knock jokes.

Tex wiped her eyes, shaking her head. "I think the Director would be ashamed of us if he came in. We're supposed to be badasses stopping the Insurrection, and yet here we are, spending our time playing a card game." Good thing he wasn't around then.

South went, slightly confused at the name of the person who was on her card. "Grandma would find the Arbiter disturbing yet oddly charming. Who the fuck is the Arbiter!?"

Carolina shrugged, not really caring. "Dunno. Sounds like some stupid alien name. You know, like the Prophet of Abiding Truth or some shit. Seriously, who comes up with half of the names? It's like a really shitty fanfiction."

_**Warning: VERY OFFENSIVE CARD APPROACHING! Don't like it, then skip to the next one**_

Florida was next, and the older man seemed to be amused at something. "I think you'll like this one…Grandma would find the big league of being a giant faggot disturbing yet oddly charming."

Many of the Freelancers gasped, for that was the most fucked up card ever. Of all time. "FLORIDA! You can't put that one down!"

The older Freelancer curiously raised an eyebrow. "And why is that? It's called Cards _Against _Humanity; not Cards _For _Humanity." Wyoming simply shrugged. "He does have a point…"

North sighed and shook his head. "I don't know, man. There's no way in hell the author of this is gonna be able to get away with this one."

South looked at her twin, incredulous. "Wait, there's someone making a fanfiction out of this? What's his name?" North pulled out his laptop, searching. "I think he's called…Little Dragon-kun. Yeah, that's it."

Tex scoffed, shaking her head. "What kind of name is that?" North shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. He considered changing it to 'Sexy Blonde Hockey Stud' as a joke, but I doubt he would've gotten away with it. Besides, his girlfriend talked him out of it, so no harm done."

"Well, if he's a Swede, then he is automatically hot…" Carolina began to water at the mouth, making York slam his head onto the desk. "I regret letting her watch Pewdiepie…"

_**You're safe now…**_

Maine went with a slight grumble, maybe having finally run out of decent cards. Yet, as York leaned over to read it, that was not the case. The massive white Freelancer may have just won himself another round of this awfulness. "Grandma would find bitches disturbing yet oddly charming."

There was a loud chorus of laughter, mainly from the Three Stooges (York, North, and Wash). The three all patted Maine on the back, applauding him. "Holy shit man! Where did you get all of these good cards!? We want your hand, now."

Maine stood up and performed a fake bow, a deep rumble coming from his throat. York looked over each selection, thinking carefully. "I think the last one to go is CT."

The brown Freelancer looked up from her book to place a card down. "Grandma would find a gaybot disturbing yet oddly charming."

"What the hell is a gaybot?" South asked. CT shrugged, going back to her book (which everyone could see was Fifty Shades of Grey). "Dunno. Maybe it's a gay robot?"

_Blood Gulch_

"Achoo!" Church sneezed loudly.

"Now someone's talking about you, dude," Tucker laughed at his patrol companion. Church responded by giving him the middle finger, making Tucker shake his head. "No thanks. Unlike you, I'm not a gay robot."

_To le Freelancers_

York pondered over the choices, having difficulty. "I don't know which one to choose…some of these are quite good!"

"Then you can get rid of Florida's," North muttered. Florida jumped out of his seat, protesting. "Aw come on! It is not that big of a deal!"

A series of glares from Tex and South made him sit back down. "Shut up, Granddad. That card was offensive as fuck. You automatically lose." The older blue agent sat down, hanging his head. "Okay."

York shook his head before deciding on a winner. "This round's winner is…Tex." The black Freelancer smiled smugly at Carolina's reddening face. "Thank you, York. Now if you'll excuse me, I have someone to do dominate senseless~. South, get over here."

The lavender Freelancer's face turned red from embarrassment as she obediently followed Tex out into the hallway, shutting the door.

As several loud moans of "TEEEEEX!" filled everyone's ears, York shook his head, trying his best to ignore the moans. "Um…next round?"

_**A/N: I know. That one card was beyond fucked up. Let me make this clear before you decide to send me hate mail: I don't have any problems with homosexuality, alright? I really don't. So, if you got offended, then you are reading the wrong fanfic. I warned in the beginning: this fanfic will contain awful themes. Anyway…what I don't want to find in my Kung Pao chicken is next.**_

_**Ja'ne **_


	9. Not in My Kung Pao Chicken!

_**A/N: Well…here's the second to last chapter of Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity. It's been a very amusing ride (can't thank you enough), and I can't begin to express how happy I am to know this is an inspiration to others who want to do one of these. You're all great!**_

***Not in My Kung Pao Chicken!***

York looked over at CT, the brown Freelancer still quietly reading Fifty Shades of Gray. When she didn't look up, York cleared his throat loudly to get her attention. "CT, if you could be so kind as to stop reading your smut and take the role as the judge, we'd be ever so grateful."

CT looked up, a hint of red (either from anger or embarrassment) on her cheeks. "It's not smut! It's…a work of literature." Basically…smut.

North chuckled and looked around the table, seeing they were missing a few people. "Wait, is Tex STILL dominating my sister?" Not something the everyday soldier hears often. But on the MoI, that was a very common occurrence that happened perhaps too much for North's pleasure.

Wyoming opened his mouth to answer, but before he could, Tex and South appeared, both back at the table. Both Freelancers seemed…a little heated. Wash raised an eyebrow as he observed the two. "Busy?"

Tex nodded, smirking as she leaned backwards in her chair. "Yep. Someone sure enjoyed themselves. Right, South~?" The lavender Freelancer looked away, blushing. "Dammit Tex…"

CT rolled her eyes, putting her smut down to flip over the second to last black card, her eyebrow twitching. **"What would I not want to find in my Kung Pao Chicken?** Great, now this game is starting to make me hungry."

Wash laughed as he placed his card down. "I wouldn't want to find a tentacle porn monster with 9 dicks in my Kung Pao chicken. Or anywhere else, for that matter." North let out a slightly exasperated sigh as he shook his head. "Dude, didn't we tell you to stop watching that damn hentai? Called 'Urisakadoji' or some fucked up shit?"

"Speaking of some fucked up shit," York placed his card down with an amused smile. "I would not want to find the product of some really fucked up shit in my Kung Pao Chicken." Maine hissed in agreement with the tan Freelancer, throwing out his own card with a grumble.

With the silent and massive man somehow getting all of the good cards, everyone was quite eager to find out exactly what he put down. York read it out loud, trying his best to keep a straight face (and failing quite spectacularly). "I would not want to find…the smallest, whitest dick in my Kung Pao Chicken. Dammit Maine. We're stealing your hand after this is done." Yet another seemingly unbeatable one for the big man.

Tex ran a hand through her hair, looking backwards at the door. "Don't count him as the winner yet. I wouldn't want to find a tiny Chinese micropenis in my Kung Pao chicken. Or anywhere, as I don't like dick."

"I came out of my mother," Wash returned, letting his head crash on the table. Tex gave him a confused look. "What the fuck?"

The black/gold Freelancer lifted his head up, unamused. "I thought we were stating things that were obvious." His snark earned him quite the few laughs (and furious glares courtesy of Tex and South). The black Freelancer pointed to the far corner of the room. "WASH! GO TO YOUR CORNER!"

Wash let out a groan, but he went to the Corner of Shame to serve his punishment. He didn't like the corner.

Wyoming chuckled, placing his card down. "I'm not sure if this is really offensive, but whatever. I wouldn't want to find a doughnut with less cream than Justin Bieber's asshole in my Kung Pao chicken." He was met by several high-fives, for they ALL hated the annoying teenage singer, who still sounded like a six year old girl with no pubes. "Fuck it. We're ending this round. That's our winner. Everyone, please congratulate Mr. Agent Wyoming of Project Freelancer for winning Round 9 of Cards Against Humanity."

The British man was pleasantly surprised by the praise. "Really? It was that good?" Tex nodded, amused. "Yeah. And praise isn't something you hear from me very often. Unless it's me telling South that she's good with her tongue." North let out another groan of frustration, muttering under his breath. His sister turned redder than Carolina's hair, which was quite a good feat. "Tex!"

The black Freelancer smiled innocently, prompting Carolina to go next. "I wouldn't want to find…a gouged out eyeball in my Kung Pao chicken. How about not finding that anywhere? I haven't forgotten all those shitty horror movies you guys are obsessed with." Yet another guilty pleasure of the Freelancers (apart from playing horrible card games when they're bored) was watching very terrible horror movies. Some of them were very funny, including Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. But plenty of others were just AWFUL. **(A/N: I think the 'Paranormal Activity' movies just suck…no offense)**

South went next, tilting her head back to look at the ceiling. "I wouldn't want to find the chopped off piece of Vincent Van Gogh's ear in my Kung Pao chicken." North closed his eyes, snickering. "Sis, do you even know who that is?" The lavender Freelancer thought about it for a few minutes. "Wasn't he an old painter? One who wasn't famous until well after he died?" **(A/N: Sorry…I just happened to be watching that one Doctor Who episode with Van Gogh in it)**

North let out another sigh, realizing he was the second to last person to go. "I wouldn't want to find Darth Vader in my Kung Pao chicken." Even from the Corner of Shame, Wash and York still managed to laugh at their friend's card. "Dude, I knew this one was going to pop up some time or another."

"Not too bad, North. Not bad at all," Wash agreed, looking over at Tex pleadingly. "Can I please come out of the Corner of Shame? It's getting hot…"

The black Freelancer responded by 'borrowing' (*cough* stealing *cough*) Carolina's grappling gun thing and shooting at Wash's crotch. The black/gold Freelancer dodged the attack, holding his crotch. "I take that as a no…"

Tex threw the device back to its owner, who wasn't pleased. "I know I missed. I don't care. Florida, you're the last one. But so help me if you put another offensive card down."

The blue Freelancer snorted, throwing a card from his dwindling hand. "Whatever. I wouldn't want to find an Italian plumber who looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black guy, grabs coins like a Jew, and is created by Japanese people in my Kung Pao chicken." **(A/N: Again, no offense.)**

Tex let out a growl, about to hit him when South cleared her throat. "Tex, calm down. All he did was describe Mario." Now that everyone thought about it, it wasn't too bad like the last card the older Freelancer placed down the previous round.

CT put her smut down to announce a winner, and for once all the Freelancers agreed on her choice. "The winner is Wyoming." The quiet Freelancer went back to reading her Fifty Shades of Grey, leaving the others to the game.

"One round left. We better make it count."

"WASH! STAY IN YOUR CORNER!"

_**A/N: I'm almost sad that this is coming to an end…but the last round will hopefully be good. The final round will be…What is a girl's best friend? See you then!**_


	10. A Girl's Best Friend

_**A/N: I am sorry this is ending. This will be the final chapter, and hopefully it will be enough to end it on a high note. **_

***A Girl's Best Friend***

Tex let out a sigh as she flipped over the final black card. "Great. Now I have to be the judge for the last round. Fuck." South looked over, turning slightly red at the card. "Oh my…"

North looked over as well, joining his twin. "What is it?" He read it silently, hanging his head afterwards. "I think we can end it on a high note." Tex chuckled and read it for the other Freelancers. "**What is a girl's best friend?** Guys, make this one count. Wash, come out of your stupid corner already."

The black/gold Freelancer took his seat, looking at his remaining hand of only one card. "A girl's best friend is expecting a burp then vomiting on the floor." He shook his head, ashamed of his choice. "That was so awful…"

North slapped his friend on the back as he threw his last card out. "Don't worry. Mine is sort of worse. A girl's best friend is Daddy issues."

"Doesn't everyone have that?" York pointed out, earning a sharp series of hisses from Maine. The big Freelancer threw his out, and York burst out laughing. "Fuck! Maine!" He nearly fell out of his seat from laughing so hard. North got up to read it, curious as to what could possibly make the tan Freelancer laugh so hard. "Wait, let me read it…"

He read it, and he too started to laugh. "Oh fuck…how did you get this card Maine? That's perfect!" He wiped his eyes before reading it out loud. "A girl's best friend is my vagina."

All of the Freelancers laughed, patting the big Freelancer for his entry. "Holy shit…Maine, you are officially the champion at this horrible game for horrible people."

Maine bowed, kicking his equally large feet onto the desk, although York shook his head. "Maine, if you do that, I think the table might break. You're not exactly a small guy, you know."

Wyoming nudged CT, who was STILL reading her Fifty Shades of Grey. "You know what they say about big feet, right?" North and Wash began chortling as CT didn't bat an eyelid or look away from the smut. "Big socks."

The British Freelancer's jaw dropped as he heard the blunt and very bored reply. "Are you kidding me right now?" Wash and North each slapped him on the back. "Sorry Wy. I think she wins this round." Wyoming let his head sink in defeat, tossing out his last white card. "Oh whatever. A girl's best friend is surprise butt-sex."

CT shook her head in mock disgust, continuing to read her book. "I wouldn't have thought you were into anal. That's a bit of a surprise." Again, North and Wash snickered at Wyoming's defeated expression. "Cheer up, Wario. You should know by now that you don't ever win a debate with a woman. Either she wins or you lose."

The British Freelancer gave the duo the middle finger, his eyes annoyed. "Go fuck yourself." Wash replied with a slightly sarcastic comment. "My dick doesn't touch my ass, though."

"That's because it doesn't exist," Tex snarked back at him, making the black/gold Freelancer walk into his Corner of Shame with his head low. "I'll just go over here…"

Carolina huffed in annoyance as she tossed her last card out, seemingly bored. "A girl's best friend is…jerking off on an unconscious friend's feet. What the fuck was I thinking when I played this card?" York let out an amused grunt. "I dunno. Maybe you have a strange foot fetish of some kind?"

The redheaded Freelancer shot her grappling pistol at York, but it seemed to have a magnetic pull to Wash's crotch, and it stuck to him instead. Despite the fact that Wash was behind Carolina, defying all kinds of logic. He let out a cry of surprise as he was pulled into the table, slamming into it with a horrible crash. He held his head in pain, trying to remove the grappling hook from his codpiece. "Ow…why me!?"

North patted his friend on the back, helping remove the device from his crotch. "It's because you're the second worst fighter." Wash looked up, still dazed from the impact. "You really think I'm the second worst?"

"No, you're easily the worst," York snorted. He fell on his side after Tex punched him in the head, making Wash look at him on the ground. "You were saying?" He too fell on the ground after Tex punched him as well, the two men grumbling in pain.

York sat up, holding his head as he threw his last white card onto the table. "A girl's best friend is shitting out a perfect Cumberland sausage." North and Wash (after he got up) exchanged glances. "I'm not too sure that one's possible…"

"I dunno. Maybe it's like when you eat corn. Ever notice that you can chew the living hell out of it, and yet it still comes out of your asshole reassembled?" North pointed out, earning several stares from the rest of the Freelancers. York broke the silence, voicing everyone (apart from CT's, as she was blushing as she read a certain scene in her book) else's thoughts. "I don't think any of us look at our own shit. That's really disgusting, bro."

The purple Freelancer slumped in his chair, hanging his head. "I should just stop talking…" Wash nodded in agreement, sitting back up with a large bruise on his head. "Yes, you should. CT, you're up."

The quiet Freelancer looked up briefly to toss her last card out, seemingly bored. "A girl's best friend is fingering." Maine let out a deep growl that could either be interpreted as amusement or annoyance at a card nearly as good as his. "Grr."

CT looked over at Wash, still holding his temples. "Care to translate what the fuck he just said?" Wash snickered, shaking his head. "CT, I don't think you believe this…but the big man thinks that you have plenty of experience with that one."

Maine hissed at the black/gold Freelancer, pointing. Wash let out a sigh, walking away. "I know, I know. Corner of Shame." He was starting to spend a lot of time in the Corner of Shame; at this rate, it was going to be called the Corner of Wash. CT began to glower at the big Freelancer, who shook his head and hissed again.

York snickered at the outburst. "Don't worry CT. He didn't actually say that. Wash is just an asshole."

"And the worst fighter," North added, smiling as his friend gave him the middle finger from his corner. "Fuck you."

Florida let out a small cough, getting everyone's attention. "Thank you. A girl's best friend is that weird yaoi smut featuring the Master Chief and the Arbiter." **(A/N: This is a thing!? WTF!?)**

Wyoming and CT looked at each other, their eyes closed. "That exists? What the fuck?" South, who had yet to go, folded her arms across her chest as she leaned back onto Tex. "Rule 34 of the Internet. If it exists, there's porn of it. Rule 35: if there isn't porn of it, porn will be made of it."

Tex bit down on South's neck, making her squirm. "Chomp~." South blushed, wriggling a bit. "Tex!" She threw out her last card, everyone empty. "A girl's best friend is shoving a cork up your ass."

North pointed to the Corner of Wash, snickering. "That explains a great deal with him." Wash responded by chucking his helmet, making the purple Freelancer duck. "Asshole."

Tex sat up, although with South in her lap that proved to be a bit of a struggle. "The winner is…fuck, I don't want to say it was Maine, but I mean come on. Who else could beat that?"

No one seemed to want to argue, partially because they knew Maine was the best one nearly every round, and because it was too damn late and they had major training the next day. South got off of Tex, putting the cards back in the box and throwing them into the Corner of Wash. The gold/black Freelancer looked down at the box. "Do not mention what we spent four hours doing to the Director. He'll kill us. Agreed?"

"Agreed," all the freelancers chanted back in a bored tone, getting up and going to their dorms (apart from Wash) quietly. As the last Freelancer (Wash) left, a figure in a dark suit came into the room, picking up the box. "So…they did play it after all. I think I must give South some credit."

Laughing, the Director walked out of the room, the box of cards in his hands.

_**A/N: Well….it's been a fun ride, and I can't thank you all enough. I'll be continuing both The Real Allison Church and Agent Reach a bit more often, so look out for those two fanfics. See you!**_

_**Little Dragon-kun**_


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